A dubious document, purported to originate from the University of Southampton, has reached The Diary. According to the text, an applicant to the university was asked: "Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?"
The applicant responded: "I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
"I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
"I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery and spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to this university."
If the document is to be believed, the candidate was offered a place.