Laurie Taylor Column

TED ODGERS . The No-Nonsense Candidate. ODDS: 25/1

Mr Ted Odgers has been a lecturer in the Department of Media and Cultural Studies at the University of Poppleton for the past 32 years. He is the deputy editor of the rank-and-file lecturers' newspaper Red Campus and was in sole charge of the brazier during the recent non-marking and non-assessment campaign. He has been lead banner holder in more than 500 demonstrations and wears a lot of badges. During the 1960s, he coined the popular international solidarity slogan: "The sword is mightier than the Biro/ Paris, London, on to Cairo". He is unmarried and always drinks pints.

JESSICA POMFRET . The Nice Candidate. ODDS: 50/1

Jessica ("Dear Jessy" to her friends) Pomfret is currently deputy head of Conferences and Events at the University of Old Sarum. She passionately believes in nice things like hospitality and flowers and thinks that on the whole vice-chancellors are doing their best in difficult circumstances. She doesn't like nasty rough demonstrations or those "horrid strikes". Jessica lives in Godalming with her mother and several cats with names ending in "Y".

ROGER PILSBURY . The Born to be Last Candidate. ODDS: 200/1

Roger Pilsbury was an external assessor for the Open University before being summarily dismissed on his 60th birthday. During an academic career punctuated by early retirement packages, he unsuccessfully stood for a variety of unimportant positions and was generally regarded as on the tedious side of things. Roger likes to take a "wait and see" approach to problems and still has difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. He lives with an unhappy wife in Barrow-in-Furness.

Please note that all candidates will be required to submit their manifesto by December 17 (except for Roger Pilsbury, who is having trouble with his printer). Voting will end on March 7 and the results are expected to be announced in the same week. The tension is rising