On yer bike!

In a dramatic cost-saving initiative, our Head of Procurement, Mr T.G. Messina, has announced that all Poppleton academics attending conferences less than 90 miles from campus will be required to select the Cycling and Packed Lunch option on their Travel Expenses forms.

Mr Messina told The Poppletonian that the new initiative was designed to curb what he called "the second-home syndrome", in which academics who attended conferences regularly ate up to three full meals a day, took repeated advantage of tea and biscuit breaks, and retired "like kings" to en suite student bedrooms.

He confirmed that disciplinary action was being considered in the case of Professor Gordon Lapping of Media and Cultural Studies, who was recently caught on video stuffing three supplementary pieces of toast and two sachets of orange marmalade into his conference satchel during breakfast time at a north-eastern poststructuralism colloquium.

It is alleged that he subsequently failed to enter either the toast or the marmalade on the official 14-page Benefits Derived from Conference Attendance form.

You'll wonder where the yellow went

Concerns about the independence of our Nutrition Department have been raised by the publication of a research paper in the Comparative Journal of Nutritional Intake that claims that the new Big Whopper Pork Pies manufactured by Poppleton Pork Products are "lip-smackingly tasty".

One of the authors of the paper, Professor B.S. Inglis, insisted that the positive nature of the conclusion was in no way related to Poppleton Pork Products' funding of the project.

However, this latest finding does appear to be disconcertingly in line with such other highly positive research reports as the Biology Department's recent claim to have discovered "a new way to end the curse of split ends" and a paper from the Department of Chemistry claiming that a new aftershave "puts the girls in a tizzy".

Suggestions that these cases might be considered by the University Ethics Committee have been placed on hold after the news that the two remaining members of the committee died earlier this month in what was described as "a well-planned suicide pact".

Give it back - it's mine

A public apology has been issued to parents who attended last week's graduation ceremony for students in the faculties of Psychology for Business and History for Impact. It appears that the ceremony had to be hurriedly curtailed after the platform proceedings were interrupted by the appearance of two bailiffs, who claimed that the rental period for the university mace had expired.

Jamie Targett, our Director of Corporate Affairs, admitted that the subsequent tug-of-war between the bailiffs and members of the platform party had been "unseemly". He denied, however, that there was any connection between the "financially prudent" decision to outsource the mace provision and the chancellor's appearance in a robe bearing a large Ede & Ravenscroft logo.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

"Please note that in the current Emotional Intelligence Survey, the third alternative answer to Question 14, 'How often do you like sex?', should read 'infrequently' and not, as printed, 'in frequently'."