Laurie Taylor column

"Academics could see their departments named and shamed by international students on a new website" - The Times Higher, June 29

University of Poppleton

Welcome to the university's new international website. This site has been specially created in order to allow overseas students to register their complaints about any aspect of their experience at Poppleton University. Here are some recently posted messages.

Dembe (Uganda). Would somebody tell my supervisor, Doctor Robards, that although I understand what he says about doing as the Romans do, I never want to see another cream tea in the rest of my life.

Ming (China). My name is Yao Ming but my tutor keeps calling me Mr Ming instead of Mr Yao and when I said that in China it was always the other way round he thought it was a very good joke to sign his name on my essay as Lapping Gordon.

Dimitri (Russia). I am taking a cultural studies course about television and every time the lecturer, Doctor Quintock, mentions Big Brother he gives me a knowing glance. What can this mean?

Hoa (Vietnam). My feeling that we are only here because of the money we pay is made more certain by the fact that whenever the head of department, Professor Lapping, meets me in the corridor he never knows me by name but simply gives me a big smile and then repeatedly slaps the back pocket of his trousers.

Goushi (Japan). I am hoping to improve my English but I am living in a special lodgings house for overseas students with two Estonians, one Serbian, and two people from a country I have never heard of. I think this is a complaint.

Changying (China). My tutor, Doctor Piercemuller, took me to the Poppleton museum to see the Chinese room and everything in there had been stolen from the Forbidden City.

MESSAGE FROM THE VICE-CHANCELLOR:

I regret to inform all overseas students that this complaints site will now be terminated on the grounds that it is generating far too many complaints.

I hope this clarifies the situation.