Laurie Taylor Column

Universities will offer a bewildering array of bursaries and benefits to students in 2006 - Times Higher , February 11

UNIVERSITY OF POPPLETON

Anxious about the cost of studying at university in 2006? Help is at hand. Simply check below and discover your eligibility for the unique array of bursaries and benefits available from September 2006.

( a) I confidently expect to gain three A grades in my A levels.

COLLECT £500 + 10 per cent cashback on computer equipment.

(b) I'd love to study mathematics or chemistry or music.

COLLECT £1,000 + 5 per cent reduction on college rent for one year.

(c) I come from a recognisably deprived postcode area.

COLLECT £1,500 + 15 per cent reduction on all-day breakfast in student catering outlets.

(d) I am a member of a disadvantaged minority group.

COLLECT £2,000 + 20 per cent reduction on departmental photocopying costs.

AND THAT'S JUST FOR STARTERS. ONCE YOU'RE STUDYING AT POPPLETON, YOU BECOME ELIGIBLE FOR A FURTHER ARRAY OF UNIQUE BENEFITS.

(e) I was in the top 5 per cent of students at the end of my first year.

COLLECT £250 of fees back + six bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale.

(f) At the end of my Poppleton course I gained a first-class degree.

COLLECT £500 of fees back + a crate of Bacardi Breezers.

(g) I studied at Poppleton for three full years and never made a single complaint.

COLLECT £750 of fees back + a case of fine wine.

If you acquire three A-grade A levels, study maths, chemistry or science, come from a deprived postcode area, belong to a disadvantaged minority group and gain a first-class degree without whingeing, then you could qualify for bursaries and fee-back benefits worth more than £10,000.

THE UNIVERSITY OF POPPLETON. BARGAINS?

WE GOT 'EM.