Laurie Taylor column

"Don't overpromote your university, v-cs warned" - headline in The Times Higher, April 1 .

From: The Office of the President and Vice-Chancellor

To: All Academic Staff

I have recently been informed by our resident legal officer that universities that fail to live up to their advertised promises may lay themselves open to legal action from disappointed students.

In these circumstances, it seems advisable to make a number of very minor textual adjustments to our existing prospectus. These changes are indicated below, and you are asked to amend your personal copy accordingly.

Page 3: "One of Britain's premier universities."

Amendment: "One of Britain's championship universities."

Page 29: "There is a vibrant, exciting feel about the campus."

Amendment: "There is a feel about the campus."

Page 36: "Extensive playing fields."

Amendment: "Extensive playing field."

Page 48: "Poppleton University offers students a friendly, close-knit atmosphere."

Amendment: "Poppleton University offers students a close-knit atmosphere."

Page 54: Heading "Ten Good Reasons for Choosing Poppleton."

Amendment: Omit Reasons 2, 4, 6, 7, 8 and 10 - and change heading to "Four Good Reasons for Choosing Poppleton".

Page 65: "Poppleton University offers a perfect mix of academic excellence, great employment prospects and a brilliant social life."

Amendment: "Poppleton University offers a slightly imperfect mix of academic moderateness, low to middling employment prospects and a fair to average social life."

Page 83: "The campus successfully blends its traditional buildings with brand-new state-of-the-art facilities."

Amendment: Omit "brand", "new" and "state-of-the-art".

Yours sincerely, The Vice-Chancellor, MA, PhD (Cantab), FRS.

Amendment: Omit "PhD (Cantab)" and "FRS".