Laurie Taylor Column

"Students are shunning traditional academic subjects in favour of degrees that they believe will increase their chances of landing jobs" - The Times Higher , February 17

University of Poppleton

Want to end up on Graduation Day with fat debts and no job?

Of course you don't.

Then welcome to Poppleton's new Career Degrees. Every one of these degrees is statistically geared to the contemporary job market. There's no hit and miss.

With a Poppleton Career Degree, you'll have your first pay slip already in your pocket when you turn up to Graduation Day. Here's a sample:

BA in Insolvency Administration
There are currently more than 500 vacancies in this specialist growth area.

Your course will cover every aspect of insolvency, with specialist options in the preparation of receiverships and liquidations, repossessions and bringing in the bailiffs.

BSc in Fork-lift Driving
The building and warehousing industries report a serious shortage of fork-lift truck drivers. You will take compulsory courses in pallet handling, case picking and aisle turret work. Specialist options in stand-up and sit-down counterbalanced truck management are available in the third year.

BA in Plumbing Retraining
The Department of Employment and Learning reports that several thousand highly trained plumbers are now redundant following the shortfall in demand for this skill. This means more vacancies for specialists in plumbing retraining. Your courses include "Forgetting all one ever knew about U-bends", "Weaning oneself off pipe bending" and "Living without blocked drains".

MSc in Mobile Phone Mast Public Relations Conciliation
Mobile phone companies wish to erect nearly a million new masts in public spaces to cope with the next generation of devices. This is excellent news for the Mast Conciliation sector, where vacancies for conciliators now exceed those in the Airline Refund Industry. Your one-year course includes options in "Other ways to catch brain cancer", "Rats aren't humans" and "Undermining bio-electromagnetic research".

Degrees? We got 'em.