Laurie Taylor column

Lapping speaking

It's Maureen. Sorry to bother you when you're only in mid-seminar but I've got the BBC on the line. Someone called Julian wanting to know about your availability for a television series. Shall I tell him to ring back?

No, no. I'll take the call now, Maureen. Don't worry about the seminar. I think we'd already come to a natural stop. Hello. Ah, Julian. There you are.

Lapping here.

Professor Lapping, let me come straight to the point. We're planning a series on BBC1 that will investigate the claim that viewers are affected by sexually explicit television scenes.

Most interesting.

So what we intend to do is televise some pretty steamy material and then go over to a thousand homes in which we've secretly installed cameras in private bedrooms to see whether or not exposure to these scenes has increased the sexual activity of our sample. As an expert in media studies, your on-screen job would be to comment on the results. Does the idea appeal?

Very much so. There are a couple of minor methodological flaws in the design but in general such a series would provide scholars with a great deal of valuable material that might not otherwise have been available.

So, I take it you'd be happy to take part. And you wouldn't mind the possible dénouement.

Dénouement?

Well, obviously, although this is a scientific project, we do have to pay some regard to entertainment. Our idea was that if a majority of our sample failed to become additionally excited as predicted by some media studies experts then we'd declare the complete subject a waste of time and throw you into a bucket of lard.

Look Julian, it may sound a little pernickety. But one small point of academic principle. Clothed or unclothed?

Clothed .

Julian, you've got your man.