Laurie Taylor Column

From: The conference organiser

Dear attendee

I acknowledge receipt of your cheque for attendance and accommodation at this year's Conference of the British Association of Experimental Animal Psychology.

Please find enclosed a set of meal vouchers, a personalised plastic name badge, a map showing the location of Poppleton University and two complimentary university postcards featuring a portrait of the vice-chancellor.

Will you please note the following amendments to the Conference Guide:

1. Structural engineers have now graded Nelson Mandela College a high-risk area. The conference has, therefore, been relocated to Loyd Grossman College, which appears on the enclosed map as "building site".

2. There is no wheelchair access to the principal lecture room on the fifth floor of Loyd Grossman College. Two large porters will be on hand to carry disabled attendees to their seats.

3. We regret that the "special vegetarian option" is no longer available. Kitchen staff have been instructed to remove all meat products from attendees' plates on request.

4. The Grand Opening Lecture by Professor D. W. R. Dingbat on "The future of animal experimentation" has been cancelled as a result of the serious injuries sustained by the speaker during a recent altercation with an experimental octopus.

5. In response to a large number of requests, there will be two additional conference sessions devoted to "Rejected papers".

6. The organised tour of the Vivisection Building will now take place immediately after lunch on the second day of the conference.

7. Please note that in order to recognise the age composition of this year's conference, the traditional 1960s disco will now be a 1970s disco.

8. Attendees who wish to bring their own experimental animals to the conference are advised that these should be adequately tethered at all times.

I look forward to seeing you at Poppleton.