Laurie Taylor Column

From : The Office of the Vice-Chancellor

Subject : New alcohol guidelines

Following last month's fracas in the SCR of Mother Theresa College, in which a member of the university Quality Assessment Team was thrown through the window into the chemistry filtration pond, it has been decided to revise guidelines on alcohol.

The following amendments should be stapled into your Staff Handbook immediately after Section 14 (A): Death in office.

1 . All members of staff are required to be sober during their official hours of teaching and to drink with moderation on campus outside such hours.

2 . Students will be asked to report staff who display the following signs of alcohol consumption during seminars/lectures:
a . Slurred speech
b . Unsteady gait
c . Deep coma.

3 . Porters have been asked to conduct random Breathalyser tests on staff who incite suspicion because of the following modes of conduct:
a . Unfocused corridor wandering
b . Hanging around empty pigeonholes
c . Hiding in cupboards.

4 . The entertainment allowance available to heads of department for visiting dignitaries will not now be claimable against the following beverages:
a . Gruttocks 4X Old Malthouse Bitter (tins, bottles and firkins)
b . Bacardi Breezers
c . Big Boy cocktail mixes.

5 . In order to discourage excessive drinking at departmental dinners, the price of the catering manager's University of Poppleton Special Reserve Latvian Claret will be raised from £1.40 to £1.60 per 2-litre box.

6 . A counselling service for those concerned about their drinking will be established. But taking into account the thesis developed by Frank Furedi in last week's THES , in which the presence of such services promotes a counselling culture, this will not be mentioned again in public.

That's the lot. All very important. Very, very important. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

The vice-chancellor

(Signed in his absence by Mrs Dilworth)

The University of Poppleton Calendar 2004 is now available from www.thes.co.uk/bookshop , £10.00