Laurie Taylor Column

University of Poppleton "Planning for the 2008 Research Assessment Exercise", Friday October 1st, Middlewhite Theatre. Livestock Reception Centre. Poppleton Pork Products Plc.

Facilitators : Jamie Targett, Director of Corporate Development (Poppleton University) Jake Thingy, External Consultant (United Biscuits).

Theme : "The Long Journey".

09.30 . Ahoy There! Quayside Registration.

10.00 . Piping Aboard. Welcome to the conference from Jamie Targett and Jake Thingy.

10.10 . Anchors Away! Today we will be setting sail towards a distant horizon - the 2008 research assessment exercise. Before we can undertake such a momentous journey it is vital that we are all properly "shipshape and Bristol fashion". Jamie Targett introduces the concept of "goal-oriented future visioning".

11.00 . All Hands on Deck! In order to journey successfully it is also vital that all members of the crew not only share common deadline-oriented strategic objectives but are also win-win team players. Jake Thingy will show how we can all catch the tide.

13.00 . To the Galley! Lunch.

14.00 . Steady as She Goes! No journey is ever plain sailing. The coast is not always clear and it is always possible to sail too close to the wind or get into deep water. Jamie Targett explains how we can all keep on an even keel despite being buffeted by unexpected normative exigencies.

15.00 . Land Ho! The long journey is over. Time to drop anchor at the RAE quay and unload the precious cargo of externally refereed research articles. Jake Thingy and Jamie Targett show how to disembark with flying colours.

16.00 . Flotsam and Jetsam. (Any other business).

PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING CONFERENCE REQUIREMENTS:

1. On arrival crew members (delegates) will be issued with bellbottom trousers and striped sweaters.

2. Crew members are reminded that this is a seafaring day and that other metaphors should therefore be strictly avoided.

BON VOYAGE.