Laurie Taylor column

From - The Office of the Vice-Chancellor

To: All Academic Staff

You will no doubt have seen the recent Times Higher survey in which 48 per cent of academics reported that they had felt obliged at some time to raise marks for undeserving students.

Such outrageous behaviour will not be tolerated at Poppleton University where assessment marks may only be raised according to strict objective guidelines. These lay down the precise nature of the extenuating circumstances that may be taken into account, together with the permissible marking adjustment for students in each circumstance. These guidelines are reprinted below for the benefit of all staff and as a stern reminder that at Poppleton standards still count.

Personal Accident or Illness Considerations
Medically confirmed serious illness: +20 marks Alleged serious illness: +15 marks Not been too well recently: +10 marks Headache coming on: +5 marks Fell off my bike: +5 marks.

Act of God Considerations
My mother/father/close relative died: +20 marks A distant relative died: +15 marks My computer crashed and I lost my entire project: +10 marks Had to share a room with a Christian for two years: +25 marks.

Academic Parity Considerations
We must do better than De Montfort (or other univ.): +20 marks We must do better than Psychology (or other dept.): +15 marks We must have another dozen firsts: +15 marks.

Legal Considerations
I could never find my supervisor, Dr Piercemuller: +20 marks My tutor lost my long project essay: +15 marks Dr Quintock used to look at my breasts in seminars: +30 marks.

External Considerations
I am a foreign fee-paying student: +45 marks I am a foreign and fee-paying student and can't speak English: +50 marks.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

The Vice-Chancellor (written and signed in his absence by Mrs Dilworth).