Is university rejection actually a failure?

Education settings in today’s society still subscribe to a Victorian-era notion of success, where counsellors and students primarily assess their achievements against external measures.

However, it’s crucial for counsellors to highlight that internal acceptance and recognising our inherent self-worth should outweigh decisions made by universities.

Unfortunately, the world is somewhat unjust. We prepare students to excel academically, aiming for top grades – only for them to face potential rejections from their desired US universities because of factors such as their parents’ financial status. Therefore, it is crucial to prepare our students for university applications and beyond by helping them to understand and embody their true self-worth, enabling them to be resilient and adaptable.

Self-esteem 

Self-esteem is not an inherent self-concept but rather a transient state of mind, heavily influenced by how one performs against external standards. It is based on our achievements, and fluctuates with our successes and failures. John Niland, the author of The Self-Worth Safari, has made it clear that self-esteem-driven measures of success are conditional and vulnerable.

Students’ self-esteem can vacillate with every assessment they face in school. It can waver in the gap between completing a test and receiving the results.

In the context of education, our high achievers are actually the most susceptible to negative emotional impacts when faced with unsuccessful university applications. What we need to do is to help develop their self-worth.

Self-worth

In contrast to self-esteem, self-worth is unconditional. It remains intact and solid, regardless of external events or outcomes. It is an inherent sense of our own worth as individuals, once all external assessments and achievements are stripped away. It is about recognising our inherent value, independent of external outcomes.

This liberated existence becomes the reality that students live with, unaffected by the external circumstances in which they find themselves. Consequently, self-worth acts as a safeguard against the negative effects of disruptions in their careers or lives, contributing to overall well-being and quality of life beyond academics and education.

Self-worth becomes a valuable attribute that helps students to navigate the challenges and hurdles they face during the application process. When students can confidently express their self-worth during interviews, they can shift their focus from trying to prove themselves to considering how they can be useful.

Specifically, they can explore how their studies and their chosen area of interest can contribute to the world and help to address its problems. By showcasing their interest in making an impact and providing value through their strengths, students come across as less concerned with appearing interesting.

This aligns with what future employers are seeking. The workforce has transitioned from valuing intelligence alone to valuing creation. Demonstrating how one can be of value, rather than merely seeking validation, is an appealing trait in new hires. When this mindset stems from genuine knowledge of one’s own self-worth, individuals experience accelerated personal growth – especially compared with those still striving to prove themselves and seek external validation.

Society puts heavy weight on academics, rather than aptitudes or passions. Yet we know that passions can lead to purpose and finding your place in the world: living a life aligned with your aspirations.

Applying self-worth to university applications

When we apply the concept of self-worth to university choices, it becomes clear that it leads to decisions based on developing strengths and pursuing interests, rather than selecting universities because they are prestigious or well known.

Aspiring to attend Oxford or Cambridge solely for the prestige and the bragging rights becomes less valid when focus shifts towards the value one can provide to the world. If the opportunity to create value is enhanced by highly respected institutions, then pursuing that endeavour is worthwhile. However, when students choose institutions based solely on reputation, they often miss out on perhaps more suitable opportunities.

To return to the idea that our higher achievers are most at risk, how can we as counsellors support these students when their applications are unsuccessful?

Universities base their decisions on a number of factors, some to do with their own institutional needs, and unrelated to the attributes of the student in question. One essential part of a counsellor’s role is therefore to give context to a rejection.

Or perhaps there’s a need for a new vernacular altogether. Perhaps words such as “rejected” or “unsuccessful” could be replaced instead with less-loaded terms.

But what is certain is that if we are enhancing our students’ self-worth and continually reminding them of their value outside of the assessment machine that is the education system, we are building resilient students able to face the world confidently and capably, even in moments of failure or challenge.