How to deal with strong emotions during the university-application process

If you were to list the different aspects of university applications that we work with as college counsellors, what would come to mind?

Perhaps letters of recommendations, transcripts, minimum requirements, predicted grades, finding fit. Naturally, we talk about and train each other to handle these elements professionally at conferences and through professional-development opportunities. 

However, there is another aspect of university applications that we might feel less equipped to deal with: strong emotions. And in particular, strong negative emotions.

After all, the positive strong emotions (most often linked with university offers) are easy to celebrate. But what do we do with those on the other side of the spectrum? What do we do with anxiety, sadness, anger, despair, disappointment, jealousy, uncertainty, shock, shame or frustration? 

Strong negative emotions can appear at every stage of the application process – often after hearing the news of rejection, but also during the preparation and post-application stage as well. 

When a student brings these feelings to you, you may feel inadequate or uncomfortable. Surely our social-emotional counsellor colleague would be a more fitting person for these issues?

We should certainly not try doing something we are not trained in. However, we can still support our students with this aspect of their applications. 

There is actually a relevant concept in counselling psychology, which parents and therapists already practise. It’s called emotional containment.

What is emotional containment? 

Let’s first look at the case of parenting. Picture how a young child experiences emotions. It’s normal for them to experience extremely vivid and strong emotions – sometimes to a degree of overwhelm. Learning to deal with these emotions in a healthy way is crucial in developing into a mature human being. 

What is crucial in this process is the presence of a safe and understanding caretaker. By providing an empathetic and stable presence, the adult serves the important role of allowing the child to feel the emotions safely. For the child to feel that their emotions are recognised and understood by an adult is key – the adult is essentially “containing” the child’s emotions. Furthermore, the child can be taught to express their emotions in a safe manner. Conversely, you can imagine the emotional difficulties that arise when a child is not supported by a present and accepting adult. 

However, emotional containment does not only happen with young children and their caretakers; it happens in therapist-client relationships as well. Essentially, a therapist is receiving and holding (so: containing) the client’s distressing inner experiences, and working with that in a calm and stable manner. 

This article creates a nice analogy between containment in therapy and making mashed potatoes: the client brings raw potatoes (raw emotions and inner experience) to the session. The therapist then transforms the potatoes into easy-to-eat mashed potatoes (processing the emotions and experience), and then teaches the client to mash their own potatoes (practising emotional regulation). Teaching the client can be likened to the parent teaching their child how to manage emotions. 

Emotional containment in college counselling

So how can we use emotional containment in college counselling? 

As previously mentioned, university applications come with strong emotions. Instead of pushing students straight to the social-emotional counsellor, we can simply hold and give space for these strong emotions – containing them. We can do that by not reacting to the strong emotions, but instead responding to them with a stable, empathetic presence and a compassionate, understanding attitude. 

Demonstrating to the students that we are not overwhelmed by their strong emotions, but can contain them as caring educators, can help a great deal. And this does not require special training – merely comfort with discomfort and the willingness to give our full presence and listening ear to our students. 

How to deal with strong negative emotions as college counsellors 

Here are some further suggestions for how to deal with strong negative emotions when we witness them, alongside a sample script for each theme. 

1. Acknowledge the feelings

This can be done simply by pointing out what you’re observing. Insert the feeling you are observing in the student in the underlined gap.  

Sample script 

“It looks like you are feeling ___.” 

“I can see that you are feeling ___.” 

“I can see that this must be really distressing for you.”
“I’m truly sorry you’re feeling this way.” 

“Feeling frustrated at this stage is really understandable.” 

2. Offer time and space to process

Emotions come and go, and if you witness the student at an apex of an emotion, then let’s give time for it to pass.

Sample script 

“Do you need some time in my office to process and feel?”

(If the student is very overwhelmed) “Here is a box of tissues. I’ll just be sitting here or working on my own things. Let me know when you want to talk.”

3. Point them towards facts about the university-application process

Or, equally, tell them something you’ve observed about the college-counselling process. The key here is that you’re not being the social-emotional counsellor but are instead offering them insights from your own unique position. Think about what affirmations and acknowledgements can be only offered by you. 

Sample script 

“The university-application process is indeed really tough.”

“I know how hard you’ve worked, so this must be really difficult.” 

“Sometimes, the results of the admissions are not about who you are, but external things that we can’t control, like university quotas.”

4. Affirm and remind them about positive things they’ve done

If the students are feeling down, purposefully turning their attention to positive things may be helpful. 

Sample script 

“Remember how you excelled in __? / I was really impressed by__.”

“I believe in you, based on what I’ve observed in you in the past.”

5. Bring up possibilities and ways to move forward

If appropriate and fitting, you can help the student by creating a goal for the future. However, simply listening to the student may already be enough.

Sample script 

“When you feel a bit better, I’m happy to support you on moving forward. Let’s come up with a feasible plan.”

“The world doesn’t end here, although it might seem this way.”

“What can I do for you as your college counsellor?”

Manchester Metropolitan University has a helpful one-pager about practising emotional containment. 

We can also encourage students to practise emotional containment by themselves, teaching them emotional regulation, as a therapist or a parent would do. Here is a one-pager from Johns Hopkins University to start with. 

Creating a safe space and building trust 

Having a box of tissues, chocolates and a comfortable seat ready can create a comforting physical space. 

Even before the strong emotions emerge, I encourage students to talk to me about their feelings about applications – and not just the applications themselves – if they would like to. I also mention that they can talk to the social-emotional counsellor as well, if they don’t feel comfortable talking to me. This sets up the safe space of trust, even before the actual stressful situations emerge. 

Finally, disclosure is a sign of trust. Teenagers choose who to turn to, and if they open up in front of you, that is a sign that they feel comfortable around you. If you immediately whisk them away to the social-emotional counsellor at the first sign of strong emotions, this may result in feelings of abandonment. We should treasure and value the trust the students have given us by being fully present for them. 

The university application experience can be an emotionally turbulent one. Let us be there for our students throughout their entire journey, and show that we care not only about their offers or applications, but about the whole person.

I’d like to thank Remy Wu, the social-emotional counsellor at UISG, for her insightful contributions to this article.